I had one of those emotional, sobbing uncontrollably, crying at the drop of the hat, and feeling as though your heart was breaking into a million pieces.
Randy and I took our sweet Millie on Saturday and as I promised Logan, I stayed by her side the entire time because I never wanted her to feel scared, alone, or confused by what was going on. It was tough and I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it was for me. There were lots of tears during my phone calls to my sister and my mom - both cried and felt my pain as Millie was loved by everyone. And the pain and tears are still coming today and I have a feeling it will be awhile before life feels somewhat normal again.
I know that not everyone can relate to the relationship that I had with Millie, some people are not pet people, but before I had children I was one of those semi-nutty dog people. Our dogs are important to us and are a part of our family and because at 19 I was told that children might not be possible, I viewed our dogs at the time as the ones I would nurture and love as though they were my children.
Following the events Saturday morning I found myself in pain all over, it's my Lupus flaring up because of the stress of our situation with Millie. My joints ache, my immune system is down, and my back hurts....I just pray that this goes away soon as I would like to continue training for the half-marathon. Because I've been sick, it's really not possible for me to do the full marathon in April now, but the half marathon is still a possibility. And the running would be a great release for these emotions that I'm experiencing now.
I did meet friends out for a bit to celebrate a birthday and Randy and I went to an Illini Basketball game where I yelled at the refs, cheered, and supported our team the best I could, but I am grieving and it hurts. When I was laying on the couch I reached down for my friend that was always there laying right next to me, when I was in the kitchen I would always be on the lookout for the one who was always under my feet, when the kids were eating I didn't have anyone to clean up their mess on the floor for me, and every morning I had one less little one to take care of.
I know that this loss and my grieving might seem strange to some and I thought a lot about my friends that have lost children and how they might deem my feelings as silly, but for 11 years I loved, nurtured, and took care of Millie as though she were my child.....and my pain and grief is real and that's all I know.
If you are having any saddness or experiencing grief today....know that I am feeling for you.