Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I just had to share a funny looking back at my past posts, I've been a little preachy - I'm going through a lot and this is my outlet

So I was talking to my brother Denis about Logan and his diagnoses of ADHD and Denis had a lot of insight due to the fact that his two sons have gone through similar disorders. And as he was talking he mentioned that he himself had ADHDOS, when I asked him what that was he said "Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Dis...OH SHINY" - ha! ha! This is so me - I walk into a room and have no idea what my intentions are in that room. I open a cabinet and have no idea what I wanted out of there.

I am self diagnosing myself with ADHDOS and I know that there are others out there that can relate to me.....let's form a support group and meet once a month for margaritas and dancing! ha! ha!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

How do you feel about your judgement day?

In a lifelong journey of growth spiritually I asked myself this morning "How do you feel about your judgement day?" and surprisingly I feel good about it. I know that I have not been a perfect person in God's eyes, however, I feel as though the good I have done has been with the best of intentions, never selfish, and always with the love in my heart.

On Sunday I went to church, to my Catholic church, the one that I feel as though I struggle became clear to me that the only struggle I am having with my church is that I don't make an effort to go and maybe I am just making excuses about why I don't go. When I do go the message speaks to me, as it did on Sunday, and I leave there with a clear mind and a purpose to think about throughout my week.

This Sunday was about following through with God in all aspects, not just praying on your own, saying grace at the dinner table, but attending church and living your life by following God's plan. Message received loud and clear and while I will not be a person that goes overboard with my beliefs and my religion, know that I am actively following God's plan for me. I know what my purpose is, I know what my life plan is, and I am on that journey because I fully intend to get to heaven.

Another message that was so obviously meant for me was dealing with friendships and about being a friend because you truly want to and not because you have selfish motives behind it. This is something that I have so clearly been dealing with lately and I left church with the answers that I have been seeking on this very issue. I know that when my judgement day comes, it will never be a question of if I have been a true friend or not, because I am. I give myself fully to others and never have a selfish intention behind it. I never expect to get anything from others that I am a friend to. My only intentions as a friend is to bring joy, help heal, and to lend a hand.....never to get anything in return. And those are the only kinds of friends that I want in my life.....friends that are kind to me without expectations or thoughts of "what am I going to get out of this".

How do you feel about your judgement day? Is the path that you are on one you are living with a whole heart? Are you following God's plan for you? How do you feel about yourself as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend? What areas do you need to work on in your life? You know there is a saying that I like "You are not a Christian just because you sit in church on Sunday; If you sit in a garage does that make you a car?" - do you follow what you claim to believe? Do you live your life with a purpose that promotes goodness?

I have witnessed so much negativity in relationships lately, so much hypocrisy, and so much selfishness......I just want to say to those people in my life "why do you walk around asking what you are getting out of life, when you should be walking around asking what you are giving to the world around you." I feel good about my judgement day, I know I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm being the best person that I know how to be and isn't that part of the plan?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Sometimes your world has to stop spinning just a little....

When our first child was born I thought that I had everything planned out.....he thought differently. He has definitely shown me that there is no textbook definition on how to raise a child - he challenges me, he educates me, and he is overall a really great kid. I write this with a heavy heart because my son is broken, he is broken and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how it happened and I blame myself anyway.....isn't that just what mom's do?

I want to say that he's been a difficult child for some time, but that feels too harsh - he's been very challenging. And this year, especially right off the bat with school, he seemed to struggle with a lot of anger and anxiety that honestly I didn't know how to handle. I did what I could to get him to a counselor who just yesterday diagnosed him with ADHD, an anxiety disorder, and a bit of an oppositional disorder. She described him perfectly - he is not a trouble maker in the traditional sense - he likes things to go a specific way and when something changes or doesn't go the way he thinks it should he can't handle it. He can't handle change, he can't handle disappointment, and he can't handle doing things differently or imperfect.

In school he can't sit in his seat, he shouts out answers, he goes to the window during a spelling test and points out birds, and his teacher, God love her, has been amazing!

Yesterday it was suggested that we try medication and counseling as a way to get him through I know it's controversial and I have been opposed to medications for the treatment of ADHD, so I won't say what our decisions have been to help Logan, but we chose the best option for our son and our family and we are going to handle this the best we know how. As a wife and mother, you want to take care of your family the very best you can and I feel like I do the best I can every day - when someone you love so much is hurting, your world has to stop spinning just a little so you can hold them a little longer, say all of the things you need to say a little more, and take every extra second you can get with them. When my child is broken, so am I and I'm just doing the best I can to fix his "boo boos" while I still have the chance.

There is a saying that I've always loved about parenting "the fingerprints on the wall get higher and higher and then they disappear" and you just have to love them while you can and hope that you are doing your very best in the time that you have them.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Struggling with faith

Some things have happened recently that have me questioning faith. Recently I have been facing things that I feel like I could find the answers to in church. But I don't feel a connection to my church - I was raised Catholic and still attend (I use that term lightly) the church I have grown up in, but oddly enough I don't feel a connection because it's such a strict religion and frankly haven't followed the rules and am doing okay - so I feel like a bit of an outcast in a sense.

Not only am I struggling with that, but if I were to break away from my church and begin researching or even attending a new church, how would I tell my parents. My family have been strong Catholics for generation and I almost feel like I am a bigger disappointment if I decide to be Christian or Methodist vs. not going to church at all. However, our family has faced major disappointments and I almost feel like if I were to change churches that would be a fairly mild thing to do.

I pray, I have faith, I believe, but I'm just struggling with the fact that the religion that I know to turn to doesn't support me in what I believe in. I want to give my children a good foundation in faith, and have sent them to religion classes every Wednesday night since they were eligible, but they are being forced to go just like I was.....but I have been less strict about attending church every Sunday. I feel like I am praying so much about this and all the while I am needing direction.

I need direction in how to be a good wife, parent, daughter, sister, and friend. In my life right now I am struggling with all of those things. My husband and I are dealing with the stresses of parenting a child that has major anxiety issues, my family is dealing with the deceit and lies that are the result of an extra marital affair, and within my group of friends we are dealing with a change in personalities that is threatening our relationships. I feel like I need to turn to someone who can guide me through this. The other weekend I found myself saying "who is taking care of me?" - and I know who is taking care of me....I just don't know where I fit in to worship him.

So I am struggling with my faith and I think it shouldn't be something that is stressful, but feel like I am going against generations of Catholics here and have to think that they would all support me in this knowing that I am seeking out direction and am turning to my faith for that.