Sometimes your world has to stop spinning just a little....

When our first child was born I thought that I had everything planned out.....he thought differently. He has definitely shown me that there is no textbook definition on how to raise a child - he challenges me, he educates me, and he is overall a really great kid. I write this with a heavy heart because my son is broken, he is broken and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how it happened and I blame myself anyway.....isn't that just what mom's do?

I want to say that he's been a difficult child for some time, but that feels too harsh - he's been very challenging. And this year, especially right off the bat with school, he seemed to struggle with a lot of anger and anxiety that honestly I didn't know how to handle. I did what I could to get him to a counselor who just yesterday diagnosed him with ADHD, an anxiety disorder, and a bit of an oppositional disorder. She described him perfectly - he is not a trouble maker in the traditional sense - he likes things to go a specific way and when something changes or doesn't go the way he thinks it should he can't handle it. He can't handle change, he can't handle disappointment, and he can't handle doing things differently or imperfect.

In school he can't sit in his seat, he shouts out answers, he goes to the window during a spelling test and points out birds, and his teacher, God love her, has been amazing!

Yesterday it was suggested that we try medication and counseling as a way to get him through this.....now I know it's controversial and I have been opposed to medications for the treatment of ADHD, so I won't say what our decisions have been to help Logan, but we chose the best option for our son and our family and we are going to handle this the best we know how. As a wife and mother, you want to take care of your family the very best you can and I feel like I do the best I can every day - when someone you love so much is hurting, your world has to stop spinning just a little so you can hold them a little longer, say all of the things you need to say a little more, and take every extra second you can get with them. When my child is broken, so am I and I'm just doing the best I can to fix his "boo boos" while I still have the chance.

There is a saying that I've always loved about parenting "the fingerprints on the wall get higher and higher and then they disappear" and you just have to love them while you can and hope that you are doing your very best in the time that you have them.

Mothering Boys

On a blog that I read every day....I have been placed under her "Oh boys" section and it got me thinking about mothering boys and what a challenge it is for me. So, I decided to blog about it because if you are a blogger, you know that this is therapy, cheap therapy!

When we were blessed with our first little boy, I was thrilled, I tried to teach him to be compassionate and thoughtful, but I also can be found teaching him how to dribble between his legs and how to hold a bat because I am kind of a tomboy - I like to think of myself as well rounded as a mother.

When we were blessed with a second pregnancy I seemed to fall into the mindset of everyone around us "Oh, it's a girl", "You are having a girl"......I went as far as buying lots of girls clothes and all of the little frilly things that go with it, but in the back of my mind, I wasn't sure about mothering a little girl. We went for the sonogram to reveal the sex of the baby and when she said it was a boy, I felt a little relieved - I knew boys, I had gone through almost two years raising a little boy, and it was familiar to me.

Now with both of my boys having grown to the ages of 7 and 5, I find that each day is a new challenge and our children are completely opposite of one another - so that alone poses a challenge in itself! Our oldest son, Logan, is emotional, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, shy and although he can be quite stubborn, he is a very sweet boy. Our youngest son, Noah, is very spirited, social, smart, comedic, and again, a bit stubborn, but very sweet. They clash a lot, but Logan is always watching out for Noah and Noah is always finding that when he's scared that his "bubby" is one of the first people he looks for. I have to keep reminding myself that my sister and I had a love/hate relationship when we were younger and today we are the best of friends - I hope the same for my children.

Like I said - there are challenges every day with the boys, although I have said they are not as emotional as girls, they do have their moments. They are emotional, spirited, complex, and some times they are just flat out confusing! But I know that despite the bad days when I feel like I've failed as a mother (we've all had those days), I know that I'm blessed because I get to raise to boys and hopefully can raise them to be good men. I just realized that I have said "I" and "Me" a lot - but my husband of course has been totally involved in rearing the children and has taught them a lot, but this post is about mothering! ; ) I just wanted to point out that my partner in all of this has been awesome!

So yesterday morning after an emotional morning with our oldest, I explained to them on the way to school that God gives us challenges and it's our job to figure out how to handle them. And there isn't anything that he gives us that he doesn't think we can't handle. And that there is a lesson in everything and what I had learned from our morning was that Logan only likes banana bread when it is in the form of a mini muffin and prefers to eat a more mature version of yogurt - not the one with Diego on it, he would prefer SpongeBob. After I dropped them off I felt like my words had flown over their heads and landed in someone else's car - but I had done my best to teach them.

When I picked the children up from their after school program Noah told me that one of his friends had choked him on the bus ride after school and that he had to push him to in order to save himself. We talked about it a little bit and Noah said "Mommy, I didn't want to push him, but I knew that God was challenging me and knew that I could handle it" - so it did land. Some times as a mother, or as a parent in general, our lessons may not have an immediate return or result - but in time you will see what your children have learned from you.

I know that I am blessed to be a mother to boys, it's a challenge that I know I have the ability to handle. I look forward to each stage in their lives and being a part of each moment. And I can't wait to see what kind of men that they grow up to be.