Some things have happened recently that have me questioning faith. Recently I have been facing things that I feel like I could find the answers to in church. But I don't feel a connection to my church - I was raised Catholic and still attend (I use that term lightly) the church I have grown up in, but oddly enough I don't feel a connection because it's such a strict religion and frankly haven't followed the rules and am doing okay - so I feel like a bit of an outcast in a sense.
Not only am I struggling with that, but if I were to break away from my church and begin researching or even attending a new church, how would I tell my parents. My family have been strong Catholics for generation and I almost feel like I am a bigger disappointment if I decide to be Christian or Methodist vs. not going to church at all. However, our family has faced major disappointments and I almost feel like if I were to change churches that would be a fairly mild thing to do.
I pray, I have faith, I believe, but I'm just struggling with the fact that the religion that I know to turn to doesn't support me in what I believe in. I want to give my children a good foundation in faith, and have sent them to religion classes every Wednesday night since they were eligible, but they are being forced to go just like I was.....but I have been less strict about attending church every Sunday. I feel like I am praying so much about this and all the while I am needing direction.
I need direction in how to be a good wife, parent, daughter, sister, and friend. In my life right now I am struggling with all of those things. My husband and I are dealing with the stresses of parenting a child that has major anxiety issues, my family is dealing with the deceit and lies that are the result of an extra marital affair, and within my group of friends we are dealing with a change in personalities that is threatening our relationships. I feel like I need to turn to someone who can guide me through this. The other weekend I found myself saying "who is taking care of me?" - and I know who is taking care of me....I just don't know where I fit in to worship him.
So I am struggling with my faith and I think it shouldn't be something that is stressful, but feel like I am going against generations of Catholics here and have to think that they would all support me in this knowing that I am seeking out direction and am turning to my faith for that.