What I know so far.......I'm tired, I'm tired of looking at my son and not knowing what kind of reaction I will get from him if I ask him to do something. I'm tired of walking on eggshells for fear that one word, one movement, one statement will send him into a rage that will impact our morning, afternoon, and/or evening. And most of all I'm tired of being tested as a mother and I often wonder where the love comes from within me because there are days when I'm getting nothing but hate in return.
We have more psychological evaluations coming up that will give us more of a sense on how to counsel our oldest child, how to parent him, and how his education should be structured. I'm excited, but apprehensive about this - I always fear they are going to come out and say something like "Well, the reason he has these issues are completely and totally your fault". However, the knowing is what's important and what I look forward to the most - I look forward to knowing how we move forward, not so much the "why" of it all.
The challenges of our youngest child are more just being ornery in class, not listening, running around like he's powered by a motor, and I feel like having dealt with the many idiosyncrasies of our oldest have prepared us for these "minor" issues and we can deal with them. However, it doesn't make it any easier to hear a teacher say that she feels there is something wrong with him. That's my baby and I think he's perfect no matter what, I think both of my children are....but it's the judgement of others that I fear the most in this entire situation.
Today I'm refocusing on my life and what each day brings. This morning was difficult and emotional and challenged every being in my body - it challenged our marriage, my relationship between my oldest son and I, and at one point I was crying so hard that I threw up. Not a good way to start my day......but I got through it and I'll get through the evening with my children once I get there. And I'm searching for support groups in our area for parents dealing with similar issues to figure out how my husband and I can get through this.
Day by day as a family we will face these issues and meet them as they come. I know there are good days and bad days with variables of how good and/or how bad.....so in knowing that I feel prepared. I just hope and pray that my children both know that my husband and I love them dearly and will do anything for them - that's how it's always been and how it will always be.
"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." Elizabeth Stone